the things that i cant say. but ill type them til the cows come home

im gonna write right here to you. you know who you are. because i just cant tell you what i see. what ive been seeing. think of them as letters. that are at your fingertips. you may choose to read them. you may choose. and one day ill find the words to tell you just how sorry i am. just how wrong ive been. but im not ready. because neither are you. music. brought me to you. and it brings me back to you. again and again and again.

last night i was brushing my teeth and i was having a conversation with you in my head. and one of us said. " the paths we choose to take arent neccessarily divine but the opportunities are." im not sure if i believe it. but one of us said it. and so we will talk. for real. and something will be said. and im not sure. and that means something. hmmm. interesting. i dont know why im typing here. i got a new blog. ive been typing there mostly. and more than that ive been writing. in my own handwriting. and its been four weeks now. five for you. and well. here we are. im here and youre there and we arent anywhere. sometimes its strange how things play out. and. sad. how they dont. but im here. living on quotes and coffee. and its nice. but im dependent. on them. if not you. and thats wrong and not right. but its therapeutic. but im missing it. the big. you know. i know you know. and they all know. i know it too. and im feeling it anymore. yes that isnt poor grammar on accident. its poor on purpose. my light bulb broke. got broke. broken. now theres no light. that i like. but lifes not like that. or. maybe then again. it is. it always is. like that. we choose our darkness. we choose our lightness. our likeness. in whos likeness. are we living in. we as in us. in the same sentences. yes. are we right. we might be wrong. and the topic may change but the big idea will not. not in these blogs. theres an underscore. undertow. underline. underlying. thing. some. here. and im thinking over the things that you said. and he said. and she said. and He said. says. saying. say. and so here we are. so much to say. and i miss you. whoever that is. whoever you are. i miss you. so much. i hope you like avocados and coffee. and cheese cubes. and kettle corn. and so. maybe. this. is it. the end of the line. but i did learn once and that lines never end. never ever never never never. maybe this isnt a line. i know its not a circle. maybe its a point A to point B kind of thing. maybe. im not sure. but there was definitelyt some curvature. still is. hills and valleys kind of things some. i know you miss something about me. i hope you miss me too. maybe you dont. maybe you do. maybe. there is one thing some i know for sure. and it is this. people. are so beautiful. everyone of them. and no one is just another person. ever. never. no one is just anything. more than that. humanity is beautiful and precious and something to hold on to. to hold eachother up. yes. we need to. we want to. and not trusting eachother. is not trusting the father. i know that. He has it all. He does. i know He does. and so goodbye worries. goodbye fears. though at times they may creep. i pray that these words i speak. are not my own. (speak) thats beautiful. beautifully contained. like a bird in a cage. are the parenthesis your cage. (speech)less. i am sometimes. because of what you say. thats why i nod. and just nod sometimes.

the winds of change

i have forgotten why i even started writing in the first place. and i tend to let people ruin things for me. like songs and movies and whatnot. but thats silly. i mean. i can choose what i like and what i dont. and i shouldnt feel guilty if i liked it first or second or third or last. i shouldnt. nobodys got a claim on any of it. on anything. on anyone. i found some old things today. old things id forgotten about. hmm. i didnt even mean to do that. cirlce around to forgotten things. just because you forget doesnt mean it goes away. its still there. in that box or under that shoe or in that closet or in the cabinet or under your bed. you get the picture. it doesnt go away unless you throw it away. and i dont throw much away. i feel like ill need it one day. ill use it again one day. ill wear it to a crazy costume party... i have never been to crazy costume party. dont know why id start now. but i just needed an excuse to keep that amazingly hideous sequin dress. i loved it once. maybe i still do. idk. but ill never wear it again. its just taking up space. valuable space in my heart, i mean closet. or maybe i dont. idk. and you know what im gonna have to get rid of it soon. ill do it tomorrow. ehh i said that yesterday. tomorrow never comes, so i guess im not getting rid of it anytime soon. i have i dont know how many mismatched socks. socks who lost their partner a loooong time ago. and things. just things. of significance and of no significance. whew thats hard to type. hard to let go of. get rid of. and so i opened up all the doors again. yep. everyone. and looked at my options. and im changing my mind again. i really should never make plans. or tell people anything ab what i "plan" to do. cause i always switch things around. i like where im headed though. i should just follow my instincts from now on. that eerie feeling i get. thats probably a bad feeling and a sign to open up all the doors again. and so i do. eventually. and so i have. and i lose my energy. towards the end of things. the end of a dance. but at the end of a paper or something i write it only gets longer and longer and more fire. the endings are always my favorite. and i can tell my story because i havent been present for the most of it. ive been else where. trying to live someone elses story. trying to make my story through someone elses. inspiration from a book or a movie. its always fictional characters. never real life story copying. bc thats just dumb. we all know a story in a movie or book is way better than life out loud. because its written. and everything looks better on paper. and so. my story started last summer. its like coming in on a character without any detail to the past or how they became who they are. bc you dont know. because they dont know. my story only started last summer. when i decided to present in my own life. it was a long walk i took that day. all by myself. all my byself. in the sand. by the beach. when i decided its my story. its my life. no wonder the others never fit. it was written for them. not for me. and so. maybe thats why i write. to write out my story. hmm. didnt mean to do that either. the beginning and the end in full circle. i write bc it happened. i delete it when its gone. i stopped deleting things last week though. bc it happened. it happens. its too late for the people i already deleted. the things i already deleted. the numbers i got again. but im starting from here. from there. from last summer. these blogs. are only pieces of me. ive got another blog. ive got about three journals. ive got conversations. ive got some more. but this. this here. is part of my story. its in writing. maybe thats why i write. my life seems much more poetic and out of a book or a movie this way. but its not. its just a normal life. with let downs and build ups. and jane said this yesterday. she said in this life all we have is eachother. eachother and God. and we can destroy eachother. destroy. ruin. hurt. break. weigh. kill. destroy. and thats what ive done. thats what ive done. been doing. or we can build eachother up. all we have is eachother, everything else is gonna burn. all we have is eachother. i had forgotten why i even started writing in the first place. i remember now.

recital places

i gotta live where the stars are

winding

so i heard this sound. and it sounded a lot like rain and so i looked outside. twas not raining. twas winding. i couldnt help myself. lasagna in the oven with 20 minutes to go. surely i could take a break. and so i as stepped out on that rickety backporch of ours i saw the chair. adjacent to the flowerpot. adjacent to the pond we never finished. and so i sat. and the wind. it just blew.

blew away everything.

and i liked it

and God smiled on me as the sun came pouring through the clouds.

contentment

today, i quit my job

quitefreeing

yep

idk oh well

some people get anrgy. some people get real angry. some people cry. and cry and cry and cry. some people eat icecream... while they cry. some people work out. some people run. some people dance. some people get drunk. some people write about it. some people break things. some people go hook up with a stranger. some people see a therapist. some people get high. some people talk about it. some people just walk away. i walk away. run away sometimes. and hide. avoiding confrontation. avoiding the pain i feel. the hurt. the guilt. all of it blurred by the volume of the television playing slightly louder than it needs to be. "the commercials are always louder" he says. the hum of the refrigerator. its not working right. and the microwave is broken. along with every heart in this household. it shouldnt be like this. right? it shouldnt. and i want to say that i will make a different home. a better home. one where no one has to walk on egg shells. but i can only control my choices. no mistakes. only choices. and i can choose who i make a home with, so i must choose wisely. and do you know who your friends are? well, do you? just think about it. and nobody ever listens to me. when she was dating those guys. and i knew it. and i felt it. and now her. i knew it. and no one listened to me. why do they not listen to me. better yet, why do they not see what i see. im not special. im no different. they can see it too. if only they would just look. look and see. its in plain view. i do not have special xray vision. its gonna be a long summer. "this year your family will be your highest priority" well it is. it hasnt been until lately. and i hope thats true for them as well as me. cleaning out this house. by myself if i have to. and i will have to. fragments of sentences that dont make any sense. but for the right readers they make all the sense in the world. and certain blogs follow me now. and i wonder... is it okay to write these things. and i reply. yes. yes it is. it is real life and it hurts and its real. and that doesnt make any sense. but yes. it is okay. so i continue. and maybe i feel things too deeply. maybe i do look into too much. so i see what they, what you, do not see. idk. standard answer for everything. but i cant just sleep the day away. because when i wake up its still there. its still here. and im sorry. sorry for not reaching you sooner. but if i had would you have listened? you are proving not so. not so. and no need to worry with things of the past. because they happened yesterday. and im sorry for being rude and for saying it like i see it. im sorry. so be angry with me. because of yesterday. waste your today. go on. waste it. because im sorry. and im trying to be better. and i probably shouldnt write when im in this state of mind. this state of disappointment. this state of arkansas. you have to admit that was kind of funny. but only kind of. atleast i still have my humor. when im saying i need this and this and this, really im saying i need you. but i wont say that. for your sake. but that doesnt change the fact that its true. i do need you. but not like you think. oh well. yes that just about ends everything. oh well and idk. they are cop out answers. im delirious. but really im not. im just tired. and heartbroken. and sad. and semi lonely. but i know im not alone. youre not supposed to grow up like this. no use in asking questions like where did i go wrong and such. no use. no use. and you will never feel my love. because you refuse to feel it. and thats not my fault. i cannot change your perception of me. but i wish you would. and i really need you to reply right now. but youre not. do you know who youre friends are?

and the ones who make it are the ones who feel it most. shania twain said that tonight on american idol. i believe it. i have nothing to say anything. i have nothing to want to write about it. im unfeeling everything. slowly but surely. even you. unfeeling it all almost. im not going to make it. because i cant feel anything but angry. i dont feel the most anything. even angry someones got me beat. im not going to make it. only when i dance. only when i dance. only then do i feel more than angry. more than afraid. more than something i dont want to feel anymore. only when i dance alone. no one has seen and never will see me for what i feel. for what i am. am. am. am. never will.

sight. its something else. but really though. it is. touching. feeling. smelling. hearing. each in a category of its own. but sight gets my focus today. ehh focus. mmm. to see. you didnt see me. in plain view. if you want me to. im afraid ive made it too easy for you. mmmm. i have. you dont see me. never did. and just like with her. im there if you turn around. but you arent turning around. the symbolism. is always there. im sorry that ive been your temporary comfort. this is best for the both of us. before we get to a place that i dont want to be. but you, you dont know life outside of what was. youre living in the past, and baby let me tell you im not in the past. im here. now. but im behind you. and youre gonna have to turn around if you want to see me. you, youre living in the future too. living in the place you wanna be, not seeing where you are, what you are now. and someone is out there looking for me. he is. i know he is. he is looking. looking with his whole heart. and he will find me. because im looking for him. looking in all the wrong places but looking all the same. and everything has led me up to this moment. every decision, every situation. of everyone else too. has pointed me to this moment in time where i see it. see it clearer than i ever saw it before. see the road that is going to be long and hard and hurtful. but its a road and its leading somewhere. im not even gonna say for now this time. because its not for now. its forever. forever you arent mine and im not yours. because he is going to see me. i will not say "here i am". he will say "there you are." there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are. he will say it for everytime ive said "where are you" where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you. and ive seen the signs. and ignored them all. but ive read the books and seen the movies and heard the songs. so it must be true. why would i lie to myself. why. why. why. things are better repeated. stay in youre brain that way. ive been bombarded with the answers. now i know. experience has taught me. and taught me well. i wont say once and for all. but i will say well. my new list. consists of the senses. the real list. ive had rough drafts. you need rought drafts to make the ultimate list. and so here is the new list. im posting this one. it cant be copied or faked. because ill know when its true. yes sir. ill know when you find me. and youll know it too. so if you dont know it, then its not you. its not you. its not you. its not you. its not you. its not you.
the list
see me
listen to me
touch me
taste me
smell me
all on his own. without any hesitation.
in the confidence that everything he has been working towards has brought him to this moment.
the moment we meet
and we wont need any others
not once we have found eachother
and yes, call me crazy
call me a hopeless romantic
call me a fool
call me what you will
but i know
and he knows
im gonna come back in the fall
im gonna be a good student
im gonna go to chile
im gonna speak spanish
im gonna student teach
im gonna sing
im gonna dance
im gonna graduate
im gonna move to chicago
im gonna teach
im gonna live
im gonna breathe
im gonna wait
God will provide
thats why im naming my daughter providence
and my son journey
because God has provided for me in this journey called life
today i wrote on my hands
i wrote "do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"
okay
okay
okay
okay
okay
i wont
i will wait
i will not hide
and you will find me
and Jesus will be teaching me how to love you when you come
and he will be teaching me how to know when ive been found
thank you for not giving up on me. i know its hard in the storms. in the fog. in the battle
i love you.

change

its inevitable. school is coming to a close for the summer. friends are shifting and others are shaping. some are packing up and heading out. never to return again. some will be back. some will become my best friends. some will not. some will fade away. some confuse me. and its funny, not in the way that funny is meant to be but funny. funny in the way thats not right. its funny how people know who they are. which friends im speaking of. but people dont know. i know. because its my blog. and there are times when i dont know. and ill let you know. but today i know. i know that the stars are shifting. and the world is cracking. coming together or coming undone i dont know which. i feel as though its coming together. for if it is the other then it is coming undone for the good of all. for the sakes of us all. farewell so long cause i was wrong i guess. yeah, it wont the first time. farewell. just another ive invested me into. and been disappointed. people disaapoint and theres one thing we'll never learn and thats how not to hurt eachother. because i wont tell you exactly what im thinking and what i want you to do. because that defeats the purpose of just knowing. and just knowing is better. because it means you see me and understand. im beginning to see though that things are changing and shifting and shaping. all for the good. and some are breaking. all for the better. and life. it goes on. these words may have been typed before and read before and heard before but i am not stealing them. because i am feeling and thinking these words. they express me just as well as others who have used them. we are all only borrowing words. words, words, words. they belong to no one and are borrowed by all. and while im on the subject of borrowing, im also running on borrowed time. it is what i do with this time that means something or doesnt. sure i read into everything. thats why im here now. moodle was down and so instead of studying for my test in an hourish i have chosen to blog. i give up quite easily. move on to something different. maybe thats what it is. im giving up too soon. and you know its always little things. like lunch. and it goes both ways. little things like facebook statuses. or twitter. or little things like hellos and goodbyes. the tone in ones voice. the look in ones eyes. the touch of ones hands. its always little things. always. and it goes both ways. and ill always tell myself ill do better next time. sometimes i do. sometimes i dont. this time i will. because we're all running on borrowed time. ee cummings has always been a favorite of mine. right up there beside emily dickinson. well their writings make me feel something. no senseless words. just simply put. and easy to read. maybe its me. but i loved poetry setions in high school. i would read all i could find in the literature books. but ee and emily stood out to me. they didnt forcefully break the mold. they just did. because thats who they were. they didnt try. im no historian but i can sense the humanity and the humility in every piece. they are not my heros though. for i have no hero. only a savior. because i am terribly and utterly wrong. and in desperate need of grace. and times are changing. and days will come when all will know and will see. something. not nothing anymore. if its the little things that get to me and get me then it must be the little things i use to get to others. to get others. little things. like lunch. and it goes both ways. change. why do we change. in order to grow. why do we grow. in order to feel possibly. oh but i feel already. in order to experience perhaps. perhaps. i just want it to be easy. so maybe thats why its rough. maybe. and i dont know wont work anymore. because we do know. and we wonder. are they just fillers. fillers in of the time. until we find. that what or who that makes us happy. she said it but i agree. or maybe not agree but have been pondering since. i was supposed to read michah today. i didnt. i didnt do a lot of things i was supposed to do in life. in the past. things i wanted to do but never did. was afraid for some reason. like that time i wanted to sing a song and i didnt. or that time i wanted to dance and i didnt. or that time that i wanted to cry and i didnt. or that time i wanted to tell you and i didnt. i didnt. i didnt. im sorry. the title of this entry has already changed three times in the course of my writing. hmm. change. maybe it is all about change after all. i mean it is the reason we cry. the reason we smile. because times are changing. yes a change is gonna come and change is coming. the context does it all. to make it happy or sad. all of the above perhaps. perhaps. and now im back to the original title. change. symbolism? always. change. but im afraid.

happy early birthday

hello world. i like music. music is your only competition. look it up. breaking down. im the same thats whats wrong. shoot a monkey im all crazy in the head. ya know. good old war is pretty good. when my best friend introduces them to me. its different from her. dont know why that is. same songs but i hear something different. probably cause it comes from a different place. different place. im gonna be rootless this weekend. on sunday. on that stage. because i wanna be. i wanna dance for free. for free. for the enslaved. for the lost. for the lonely. for those kids who dont know what they have. for shenika. and all the rest. for her. and for him. his life. dedicated to him. because he gave me her. my best friend. he gave her to me. well not gave.. but he's sharing. he's wonderful. he knows how much we need eachother. and as we try to unroot our roots, he'll be right there helping pull them out. always looking out for his sissy. and let me tell you, i feel honored, honored, honored, that he finds me worthy enough to bring us together. i know he and God has a wonderful time bringing us together. our daddys sure are smart. and hes gonna be helping my daddy unroot some things. cause theyre gonna be best friends one day. yep. they are. and theyre gonna take us fishing and take us out for icecream. and probably own a restaurant together. yep. best food on heaven's lane. happy early birthday. thank you for my best friend. thank you for teaching her strength and for teaching her love. youve got a beautiful daughter. i know you are so proud. i know heaven throws the coolest parties ever, ive read about them in Gods love letter he wrote to me. i look forward to the day that i get to hug you. hug you and thank you again and again for the man that you are. since you decided to go ahead of us to the eternal celebration, we would love it if youd save some spots for us right up front, in the mosh pit of glory. i look forward to seeing your sweet dance moves... ive heard all about them! ill be seeing you.

what im living on

maybe
maybe i
maybe i dont
maybe i dont really want
maybe i dont really want you.
maybe you never really wanted me. maybe we'll never know. maybe we shouldnt be playing this game. maybe we are wrong. maybe your mom is wrong. maybe your family is wrong. maybe i shouldnt have said what i did. maybe you shouldnt have looked at me like that. maybe your grades should be better. maybe i could help you. maybe you could help me. maybe i cant save you. maybe no one can. maybe you have to save yourself. maybe im waiting for you. maybe youre weighing me down. maybe i need to just wait. maybe you need to leave. maybe im confused. maybe i need to pray. maybe i need to cry. maybe we need to talk. maybe i shouldnt listen to you sing anymore. maybe i should stop spilling my heart out. maybe this is a mistake. maybe i shouldnt blog about this. maybe i love you. maybe i dont. maybe im crazy. maybe you need me. maybe my job here is done. maybe i could just walk away. maybe i cant. maybe i need to tell you more. maybe i need to tell you less. maybe i need to listen. maybe you need to listen. maybe you need to realize your worth. maybe i need to realize mine. maybe ive known it all along. maybe youve known it to. maybe i dont really want you. maybe i was blind. maybe i still am. maybe you love me. maybe you dont. maybe we are different. maybe we are not meant to be. maybe this isnt what God wants. maybe im ignoring all the signs. maybe you are too. maybe no one has ever made me feel like you do. maybe you drive my crazy. maybe i never want to leave you. maybe its too hard to say goodbye. maybe i dont want to. maybe one day we'll know. maybe we never will. maybe one day we'll meet the right people
maybe one day we'll meet the right people thats what you said
maybe one day we'll meet the right people
maybe one day we'll meet the right people thats what you said
maybe one day we'll meet the right people
maybe one day we'll meet the right people thats what you said
maybe one day we'll meet the right people
maybe one day we'll meet eachother maybe one day we'll meet eachother maybe one day
maybe you shouldnt text me anymore. maybe this isnt working. maybe this is working. maybe this is how its always supposed to go. maybe im afraid. maybe you are too. maybe things could have been differently. maybe we are just friends. maybe we arent. maybe youre just as confused as me. maybe i dont like this. maybe we are going about this all wrong. maybe we arent saying what we need to say. maybe we are wasting our time. maybe we are the same. maybe we should wait. maybe its not me. maybe its you. maybe we are in this together. maybe we are alone. maybe ill never find myself.
maybe ill never find you.
maybe ill never find
maybe ill never
maybe ill
maybe

my best friend watched me dance this weekend. best thing i could have ever asked her for. she asked me what i was hiding. and the thing was is that she already knew. and she brought to the surface the fact that i was hiding something. or someone really. or really feelings for someone. those other someones caused me to write beautiful things but im not gonna be able to dance. to really dance with my everything to my greatest potential until i can face this that ive been hiding. and im running from it to. because i dont know what to do with the way i feel. so im running away and calling him my friend. but thats not good. not good for me or my dancing. like this one person that became the reason for my best friend to dance again. well i dont know that ive ever really danced. not without holding back. she saw it. saw my holding back. saw my fears. sees them. presently. and shes right. im holding back. because its a parallel to my life. this is the hardest and most liberating and most frustrating thing ive ever ever ever done. and some guy back stage he told me that i am some girls twin. some woman that teaches ballet out in berkeley california. except for i forgot her name the minute i walked away. and tried to look her up but one can only get so far on google typing in "berkeley ballet instructor". and so i decided im better off. because im not that girl. im tori. and im holding back. and i can be so much greater. if i just stop hiding. hiding the real meaning of this dance thats had me at second or lower since ive done it. i didnt choose the song, the song chose me. and so im gonna take a whack at deciphering me for a moment. bear with me. me whole two readers.


..............................................................................................................................................................
i sat here for ten minutes. those dot dot dots represent ten minutes. i cant do it. not right now. maybe later.

lyrics of the day:"world wait forever never, take the time, done break my heart again." world waits jeremy enigk

hate him

ive been struggling quite a lot here lately. im getting really real right now. i started questioning everything and everyone and every every something. and its getting me down down down. and friends are hard to come by. even in dark days. and its true. what the author said. there is one thing we never learn and that is how not to hurt eachother. and how to just ask stupid questions. and to get ridiculous answers. and how to just tell people how we feel. and how people just sometimes do the exact thing you hate them to do. but how to tell them to stop when its really not that huge of a deal. but then again it is. because its coming between you two and they dont even know it. because of fear to tell them. or her or him. or whoever it is. what am i so afraid of? my problems are nothing. really theyre not. ugh

i dont know much of anything right now except for that God is so so so so BIG. and so mighty and so loving and so magnificent. im in love with the breather of the stars. the stars are Gods very breath.

and im distracted. how can the evil one use things like bad manners to make me hate people. little tiny minute details and characteristics of people to draw out tension and anger. i hate him. i hate the evil. that i let it prevail. i hate it. it hurts me so so so so deeply. i can stop him. he can have no power over me. but i need to pray more and love more and see more and fear less and see God more and put it all in his hands. but satan knows just where to hit me. its not in the storms its in the constant bickering and picking of the ones im around the most. its the little insignificant things that stir up an inner anger and hate towards the people i love. i hate him hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate him.

crazy love

you stole that sweet poetry and the words you whispered in my ear were from a song or writer you thought was smooth and you lost you in those words that arent your own and boy you fooled me. yeah you had me, had me at hello and whats your name. and oh your words they taste like honey. and you fooled me. thing is i think you fooled yourself. do you even know you or are you just saving face, those are your words not mine but i think you stole them from a movie. or something. and im ranting. but its all i can do. because you dont care, im not a loss or a casuality. or anything like that. and you had me good and had me all wrong and all right. and lied me into believing that life is like the movies. but its not. and theres no fairytale endings. only life and pain and hurt and gain and love and hate and mistakes and second chances but no more than that. and there is one thing ill hang on to, and this i didnt learn from you and thats crazy love.

and so theres that list

well gary jules just said it. theres no poetry between us. and the poetry between him and i is fake. and the poetry between me and you is all wrong and confusing and i just dont even know. a song says it better sometimes. yes sometimes. and i want you. i do. but i shouldnt. so i wont. and i dont. so there. no poetry. and you see i have this list. but the thing is this list is completely irrelevant if i dont stick to it. because really youre kind of the exception. and nobody knows really. because you think you know who you are but your wrong, its not you, its him. and he doesnt know. and neither do you. so dont flatter yourself because your not the only one. and if you think you are youre wrong. and that was part of the problem you see. because something never felt quite right. i was waiting one and holding on to the other. so maybe its neither. or none. none at all.

and so theres that list.

i wish it were simple and easy. i pick you and you pick me. but its not.
andonedaythetimingwillberight
but today is not that day
maybe tomorrow...

i wish you could atleast let me try something new. someone whos not you. oh you but youve got some kind of hold on me. some kind. but not the kind as if youre holding the world. not that kind. just the you kind of really make me crazy kind. yeah. you do. so stop that.

the way you look at me. and all those other things. stop what you do. stop ...... .. .... ...

short and sweet and to the point. because really theres nothing long or confusing about it. except for that its all wrong. and theres nothing to figure out. there never was. this is hard. what a great realization. this is hard. this is life. this is love. this is it. whatever the heck it is.

love can get you there

its a sad day when you realize youve been lied to. it really hurts. and its even sadder when youve known it all along. and its even sadder when its your little sister. or maybe i should feel good about it. the fact that she lies to me because she knows i wont like what shes doing. that maybe i have taught her right from wrong. or maybe thats innate. maybe she just knows its wrong and it has nothing to do with what ive tried to teach her. but in the end i have failed. failed as a teacher, failed as a sister, failed as a best friend. because there is a root to why she wont tell me. is it because she will feel ashamed? because she feels i wont accept her? have i done so wrong as to not teach her that its never never never her that i am angry at, but at the sin that eats her alive. im so angry at the lies she believes to believe that its okay to make poor choices. I can only pray. because for now she doesnt know i am her best friend. when the whole world leaves her hanging i will be right here loving her. and my older sister too. i love them more than all their friends and boyfriends combined. and i cannot wait for the day they both realize how precious they are to me. but i will wait. and know that that day will come. it will come. the day they can both look me in the eyes. tell me the truth and know i love them no matter what they do. because what they do does not define who they are. and who they are is two beautiful beautiful people. beautiful souls. with so much to give. they are my sisters. and i look forward to the day i get to call them my best friends.

this whole no facebook thing is really really hard. harder than i had anticipated. i mean i always knew how much time i spent on the thing. but wow. too much time. so much wasted time. im not sure what ive learned from this whole experience. but something shall be learned. and once the answer gets whispered in my ear i shall share it with you all. hah all two of you. my only followers.

i went a whole couple days not listening to music. i mean nothing but the commercial music that is on the commercials on tv. well and the frays old cd with how to save a life on it. just back and forth to dance. so okay let me start over. i went a couple days not listening to music that i hadnt grown numb to. yes sorry fray, if youre out there reading this thing, i have grown numb to your how to save a life cd. but anyways i was setting an alarm for the next day and the song everythings right by matt wertz swam into my ears and it wrapped me in warmth. mmm it was good and beautiful. and i dont ever want to go without music that makes me feel that way. it is pretty inspirational. this paragraph had no point.

and the past. it always come back to haunt you. im not who i was yesterday. and im definitely not who i was years ago.

and God does hold all of our tears in jars. and he has them all. every one.

love goes a long way. it goes right to the heart and sometimes the heart is a far away place to get to. but love can get you there.

yes love can get you there.

song of the day: blood bank by bon iver

i dont have facebook to get on. not til march 21st. just some crazy idea i had. muscle memory is what it is. just clicking and clacking and typing and tapping. or maybe clogging. whichever you prefer. because thats what it is. its whichever you prefer.

you know i really love long drives and fluffy pillows and best friends and william and joe. but really i really really love singing in the shower and jogs where i end up stopping. and staring. and finding no words to paint the pictures in my heart.

but most of all i love my creator. because He planned for me my favorite things and who and what i would love before i even had a name. before i even had a name.

and so i had this realization. recognition. i dont know whatcha call it. but i was in the shower washing off the day and i realized i have it all compartmentalized. all of it. i have this book for this and that book for that. and so on and so forth. unneccessary complications is what it is. and so im changing that. He deserves it all. not just my wants and needs. but my every thought and every fear. and my life felt so empty. feels still at times. because i cant quite grasp it. it. all of it all. and just like ingrid tells me every so often. all we can do is keep breathing. and today i told Him. i told Him that i love Him more than breath. More than i need anything or anyone.

and today i was afraid.

and my prayers felt shallow.

but they werent. i wasnt. im not. im His. he made me. he made you. and he created all your favorite things and who and what you love love love. before you even had a name.

and so we have sight. she and i. we have something. and with this comes great great great responsibility. and what do we do. we need to do something. we have to do something. and so i had this other realization today. the reason we cant be around those not like us for very long is because we get weighed down. we get held back. we were made for greatness. i love the word great. so many definitions. so many greats and great love is what we do. great hearts is what we have. great minds are what we seek.

and im crazy. ya know that? i sure am. here i am surrounded with sight and vision and veils and silence and body language. and im still talking. yapping. like an annoying little puppy that needs to be fed. new thing for me. not an experiment. because people arent projects. its a thing that ill do because i have no other word to describe it. im gonna listen. just listen and hear whats left unsaid. and see what cant be seen. for that is what is eternal.

and i, i have recently seen (seen not realized or recognized, but seen) that i am an eternal being. you are, he is, she is, we all are. one time i typed this on my facebook profile. its still there. under my about me section. and it says this. this is what it reads. "the world is a very sad place, but i am in charge of making it better, you are, he is, she is, we all are"

and crazily enough i had it all wrong. and so i will rewrite what i once wrote. rethink what i once thought. why would i make this world better when everyday its passing away. everyday we are getting closer to home. home, home, home. where the heart is. where your heart is. where my heart is.

i want to be a pawn in the hands of God, who fights for me. who dies for me. who loves me. that word. love. "the world is a very sad place, but i am in charge of filling people with love anyway. with Gods love that ive felt and accepted. on the outside we're dying. passing away. like a wave on the shore, like a candle in the storm. out before you know it. gone before you even saw it. but on the inside we are living. so dont give up. because on the inside we are so so so so alive. you are, he is, she is, we all are."

song of the day: we are the world by 25 artists all taking a stand for haiti
chapter of the day: ezekial 37
passage of my life thus far: 2 corinthians 4
mission of tomorrow: clean my room

not of this world.

that feeling i get in the pit of my stomach i have come to realize is not the pit of my stomach. it is me. im that feeling. thats me hurting. and this body this flesh that im stuck in it doesnt know what to do when IM hurting. when me the soul that is stuck inside the flesh hurts. thats that feeling. its real pain. pain that causes the heart to beat fast and liquid to fall out of the eyes. its the pain that we cant describe to anyone. not even to ourselves. so deep and so real. so not of this world. thats what it is. not of this world. im not of this world. and thats why i have to come inside this flesh. inside this body to be here. because i am a soul. a soul. solely. i am not of this world. of worldly things. i long for a higher calling. a higher purpose. a higher God is mine. not idols of this world. my body is of this world though. IT desires what I do not desire. IT wants what I do not want. IT is weak but I am strong. IT causes me to slip. but I AM STRONGER. that is my truth. this is my war that is raging. not a war with my neighbors but a war with my body. and I will win. I will defeat this flesh. IT is weak. I AM STRONG.

when you lose seasons you cant replace.

ive been in the waiting room for far too long, only to realize that i had never signed in. i dont know what im here for. i know i came because i hurt. i think subconsciously i never signed in for a reason. because i knew i never wanted to go in there. i never wanted my name called. i still dont. but im not waiting anymore. the hum of people murmuring around the room. goes in one ear and out the other. i stopped asking for stories. i quit giving my insight. im just sitting here. watching the hurting pass me by. i feel like the way you feel when two songs are playing at the same time and they dont go together. or that feeling you get when someone is off key. and it hurts. it hurts in a place you never knew you had. i put myself here. in this waiting room. i brought my knees up to my chest and ive been sitting here rocking back and forth for a couple weeks now. waiting. one leg down. im waiting for someone to pick me up i think. i walked here by myself. i dont remember how i did it or when. but ive been here a while. i used to talk to the people here. i used to refill that thing that holds the water. but we ran out of cups. we dont need this place. you dont need this. i dont need it. no one is coming to pick me up. two feet on the ground now. sitting. swaying more so. they will never call my name. i didnt know it when i came in here. so i never wrote it down. the lady beside me just went in. the little boy across from me just walked out. the door is swinging. waving goodbye. what is this place. im standing now. two feet planted on the ground in front of that chair id called home. waiting. for what. a safe place is all that it is. a place to let the seasons pass by outside. i missed the snow. i missed the leaves falling. i missed the ocean calling. i missed the rain dancing on the pavement. i missed it all. i thought i was living. only i wasnt. i was rocking. i was shifting. just because your breathing doesnt mean your alive. arms tensing and untensing now. fingers tingling. standing in the middle of the waiting room. they are looking at me now. i cant read their minds. but i can read their faces and their eyes and their lies. i no longer have something here. we used to be in common. wanting to be fixed. i want that no more. i dont want to fix. i want to try. try. try. try. ahh the word plays across my mind. ahh i feel in in my stomach now. ahh i feel it in my hands and feet. its on my tongue now. "try". there i said it. its out. "try... try.. try. try". arms above my head now, shifting weight from one foot to the other.

"i missed the snow"..... a tear falls.

"i missed the leaves falling"....... another slides down my cheek.

"i missed the ocean calling"...... my eyes are filled with this salty substance.

"i missed the rain dancing on the pavement". i cant hold them back anymore.

i missed you.

but its not too late. because im still breathing. and so the music builds. and he is singing "tears come streaming down your face" and im hearing "when you lose seasons you cant replace" the music keeps building. the strings and the drums and the piano. and the symphony. i wont lose anymore things. anymore seasons. anymore people. i wont wait anymore. im out the door. running. not jogging. or skipping. im running. far away from this place. this place of waiting i created. the walls disappear. i had the power in me all along.

song of the day: fix you by coldplay

hello old friend. i have been meaning to write you for a while now. life has been kind of crazy lately. but really when is it not. i have this friend. and she told me. she told me "this too shall pass". and she couldnt have been more right. because sooner or later that thing that weighs you down shall pass. but she forgot to mention that something else would come along and take its place. its this neverending cylce of passing to and fro. reoccurring and never to be heard from again. she also failed to inform me that not only will this heaviness on my heart pass so will the happy days. the fleeting moments where i feel so so so so alive. and friends. they come and go. and come and go and go and go. and some come back. and some never leave. but sometimes youre alone. sometimes you eat chinese takeout and listen to pandora all night long. and sometimes you like. sometimes you love. i have had a lot of days in my life. and i can honestly tell you that my favorite days are the ones with chinese takeout. the ones where i sit and talk to myself. the days that i realize my life is exactly that. its mine. i can eat what i want and hear what i want. and see what i want. and i can feel what i want. and what i dont want. and i give you the power to change me. to hurt me. to love me. i give you that. you cant steal a persons heart. only touch their soul. and i can give you my heart to do with what you will. i poured it out. in anger i spilled it on the floor. and you recieved me. and saw this was no performance. this here im showing you is my heart and you felt it. and i was terrified but you just watched me lay it all down. in desperation i searched for the words. words fail me. so i dance. and you may not understand. i dont expect you to. and so i dance. you will not understand. but you will feel, for if only a moment, what im feeling. and you were holding the most precious thing in the world to me thats mine. all the words i never say. all the feelings im afraid to feel. all the stories no one knows. the unspoken. the dance. danced. and so i dance.

kinetic. energy. potentially.

im not very scientific. not in the least. but one time someone was talking about energy. and potential and kinetic and then ya know i realized that this same scientific deal can be applied to relationships. and in my case. all of my relationships. theyve all been potential. that is all. but maybe im okay with that. but that maybe makes me think maybe not. but idk. i dont know. its just that potential is sometimes greater than actuality. and thats what im hanging on to with you. that kinetic energy that we have. the way you look at me. the way i look at you. nothings really there. its all potential. i would like to start over. and re do what we did. which was nothing. but still i wonder. just wonder what we would be like now if we had gone about this differently. oh well. i dont want to start over. we are here for a reason. stuck in this kinetic rut. and let me tell you this. im not making any steps over this potential line. this is where we will stay. unless we take some steps back. i want to. but you have to want to with me. we could talk more. we could be like we were but better. the thing is its not science. its not feeling either. it just is. it is what it is. and there we go. lets take it. and here i am typing into the night. of nothingness and kinetic energy and having potential with you. is this what its come to. yes. i will go to bed now. get a shower. wash off today. and sleep. i like showers at night, because that is what i do. i wash off the day. and what has happened and sleep with no chains. and sleep with angels because that is what my best friend tells me to do. so i will do it. i will sleep. after i wash off the day. and my other best friend she tells me goodnight and i will have a good night. i will. i hope your doing good. what does that even mean anyway. hope. doing. good. you. i. im doing good you hope. i hope your doing good.

song of the day: your birthday song by go radio

i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. okay. i do know. i know so much that it doesnt hurt. just read it with my own eyes. its what i needed. i know. while a good pot of coffee is liberating i cant live on it. i need some water and some vitamins and some vegetables and some medicine. i dont like medicine. what i know is that someone what i need isnt what i thought i wanted. sometimes what i want isnt what i need. i dont need you. i dont want you either. i just like your smell. and the way you talk and walk. i like you. i really do. but. your not what i need. i have this best friend and she is right. you dont see. see see see see. you saw me at the sea. for a minute. but like a wave your sight has come and gone. youll see me again someday. but it will be too late. you'll never know. timing is everything. and we dont set that up. so thank you. for teaching me. and for seeing me. if only for a minute. because you proved that it can be done. even with all my walls and depth that i hide behind.

theres something about the taste of black coffee. the darkness just rolling around on my tongue. today it is comforting. today it warms me up. right down to my soul. i think my dreams mean something. i think they are telling me something i already know but refuse to do. my subconcious is speaking to the side of me that makes all the decisions. the flighty less reliable side. its black coffee today. not drowned out in creamer and sugar like most days. today is a grown up day. a day to make grown up decisions. a day to get things done. to wake up from dreamworld and accomplish something. to get off this computer and finish that list that i never seem to remember where i put. i have big dreams. i have things i want to do. i dont need someone to hold me back. someone would hold me back right? i cant accomplish my goals with some right there beside me. encouraging me all the way. constantly reminding me what im worth. its different when you put it that way isnt it. yes, yes it is. you didnt walk in talking all these big words and telling me all these big things. you just looked. looked right through me. lost your sunglasses in the ocean. lost your mask that could have kept me out. but oh the waves took it away. and left us with nothing but eachother. and oh you saw right through me. right past what no one knew me as. and while we were looking for what you lost, we found something else. we found eachother. you didnt find those sunglasses but you found me. and the sun shined and we didnt mind. and the rain poured but that didnt stop you from coming with me. and you are like this perfect pot of coffee. best pot ive ever made. i had decided to keep you from my mind, but i had a dream and then this stupid pot of coffee. dangerously dark and warms me right to the soul. oh and its fleeting. all these good things. i can almost see the bottom of my mug. and before long it will be gone. just like you and i. are we even allowed to be in the same sentence. just like you. you will be gone. and ill be here drinking coffee drowned in creamer. because very rarely do i ever make it just right. rarely do i ever get things just exactly so. and im okay with that. it makes moments like this that much more accomplished feeling. and so here i am. finding you in cups of coffee and in daytime dreams and occasionally in a song or two or really just every song i listen to. really listen to. and these are your words not mine. this isnt over. and do you really want to know what i think. i think its not over because we havent ended it. one day you will find me in the waves again and ill find you and we will end what we never started. and i will be fine with that. just so long as i get to see you one more time. one last time. but for now. for now for now for now. i will drink this coffee and know that this isnt over.

song of the day: if its the beaches by the avett brothers

unglued

i just dont understand. and i know thats how it is supposed to be. i dont like it today though. today it hurts a little bit. not knowing. not knowing why i go to classes. not knowing why this circle im walking in gets so old. because its not old. its new. everyday its all brand new. i was putting rhinestones on one of my costumes today because it wasnt good enough as is. howcome we cant just take people as is. take life as is. take today as is. we have to fluff it all up and glue on our decorations. and before we know it, as is, doesnt even exist anymore. people arent costumes that we can dress up and change to be the way we want them. we have to take them as is. because sooner or later all the glue comes undone.

passion

passion. ah passion. passing it on. contrary to popular belief it is not that scene in that movie that makes your toes curl up. nor is it that couple. you know the one. the one that cant get enough of eachother. its not passion if its not being passed on. we cant keep it to ourselves. real honest true pure passion is rather catching. i dont look at it and wish i had it. i look at that kind of passion and decide to have it. its not inspirational. or uplifting. or happy. it can be. but lets not limit passion to this. i cant even write about it. cant wrap my head around it. or my heart. just cant grasp its catchingness. yes catchingness. when i feel that i feel it. when you feel it you see it. or do you see it and then feel. or is it yours. it can be. passion is for the bold. for the fearless. for the reckless and free. it cant be faked. it has to be free. we have to be free. no one is holding you captive but your own terrified mind. your trembling heart. passion does not hide. its shouts out at the very mountain tops that many fear to climb. but those many arent you. you climb that mountain. singing all the while. and dancing. dancing. dancing. never just walking. only skipping and jumping and stumbling and dancing. all with passion. if its real. pass it on.

thoughts running crazily through my mind. through my head. through my heart. through my veins. everything is so right. everything is so wrong. so so so wrong. the songs dont hit me like they did yesterday. your songs always hit me hard. always. i want to hear you sing. i want to see your soul. i want to fix you up. i want to fix him up. i want to fix him up. i want to fix me up. i want to. i dont know what to do. i could read. i should read. i wont read. im thinking. im typing. im lost.

"she said always be afraid."

i want real. i want genuine. all the time. dont lie to me. dont please. i found what i was looking for. i found what i wasnt looking for. and im still looking for some things. i guess thats how itll always be. we look and we find. we find half of what we are looking for and the other half is a surprise. something we didnt know we were looking for. sometimes its something we already had. its something i already have. your something i never had. someone ill never have.

"you make it hard to love you, but i just do it even more."

so much to do. so little to actually ever be done. i cross off one thing i add on another. its always something. cant dwell on this list that always haunts me. never have i finished one whole list. never. i get too caught up. caught. i get caught. no one there to catch me. i get caught. theres a difference. and im okay. i have my moments. but im okay. i wont treat you differently. i will always love you. from the inside. from the outside. and you will know that i love you. you will know. ill never let you forget. you. yes you. my friend on the side of the road begging for just a quarter. my friend outside the coffee shop crying from the night before. you. my friend on the sidewalk with your backpack. all alone with your backback. yes you. all of you. more of you. i love you. and i care. i cant fix you. i cant fix me either. but i can love you. that is all i can do, that is all i have to give. oh but im giving it to you. all my love. i love you. i love you. i love you. i mean it. i love you. look at me. stop running. stop looking. start crying. start breaking. start feeling. start letting. stop building. let it go. let me. i love you.

"love, he'll look for me first in any crowded room. love is waiting up ahead. he'll swear i hung the moon. and ill finally know the truth. ill finally know the truth. it wont be you. it wont be you."

dont try to figure me out. dont try to tell me what to do. dont tell me to stop thinking. thinking is what i do best. i talk in circles but i think so well. my mind is always churning. always turning. im always changing my mind. dont call me close minded. im open to new ways new ideas new people. i am firm when i speak because i do think before i speak. i do. and dont act like you dont know that. you know i think. just because im not like you. thats what it is. im not like you. if we dont fill the spaces of waiting then we will always be waiting. dont just fill the spaces but love the inbetween. adore the inbetween. i live in the inbetween. life is not about the finish line. its not even a race. we race in life but its not a race. we dont have winners and losers. we have those who keep pushing. those who keep the faith. those who may stumble and fall but never stop going. always going. always living. not always moving but always going. and then we have those who give up. plain and simple. they just give up. no ones burden is heavier than his neighbors. we all carry something so heavy. and it always hurt. but we have to keep going. in life there are no winners and losers. just those who keep fighting and those who give up.

"i never asked you to try"

"im stronger than this ive been through this before. but whats one more lesson when the stolen moments are worth living for"

song of the day: stolen by julie moffitt

restlessness. peace. we are all so tired.

tired of this pace that is constantly setting itself faster as
each moment goes by.
cant we just play more. laugh more. love more.
oh how simple a day when the worst part if it is nap time.



restlessness. peace.




just breathe.
in---and---out.
lay still for a moment.
take it all in to let it all out.



play more. laugh more. love more.


w e a r e a l l s o t i r e d.





b . r . e . a . k . i . t . d . o . w . n.

in a sense to break something is to change the way it is. forever changed. never to be the same. never back to its original structure. breaking hurts. breaking heals. what is it. the it that is breaking. the thing that needs to be broken. yearning to be different. yearning to be changed. never the same. is it a hand. is it a relationship. is it a home. is it a heart. is it your heart? needing to be broken in order to heal. what is it. maybe is me. does it matter. the direction in which a thing happens to break. or decides to break. yes decides. up or down. up and down. no up or down. it matters. down-lower-breaking with humility. leave the pride. hitting the depths before the rise. learning the lesson. down. leave the anger. feel the hurt. keep it down. then the rise. maybe you just need a mild shaking but i need a magnificent shatter. to hear the chaos as it all comes down. to feel the world in a new horizon. to taste their words with a different season. perspective. can you break it down. maybe you just need a mild shaking but i need a magnificent shatter.

song of the day: sand in your shoes by this providence

this is a new project. distraction. what have you. what have you? what have i? nothing. nothing thing thing things. too many things. too much stuff. dont need it anymore. never really did. thought i did but i dont. no i dont. i dont. dont dont dont. i dont know. i like it that way. this way. that way. which way? i jump. jumped. jumping. from one thing to another. now we are back to too many things. this is oddly freeing. freeness. freefull. freeeeeee. weeeeee. now look we are back to us again. and i havent even introduced myself. i wont. dont worry. i wouldnt make sense anyways. and i havent even introduced myself.

song of the day: damien rice "delicate"