i dont have facebook to get on. not til march 21st. just some crazy idea i had. muscle memory is what it is. just clicking and clacking and typing and tapping. or maybe clogging. whichever you prefer. because thats what it is. its whichever you prefer.

you know i really love long drives and fluffy pillows and best friends and william and joe. but really i really really love singing in the shower and jogs where i end up stopping. and staring. and finding no words to paint the pictures in my heart.

but most of all i love my creator. because He planned for me my favorite things and who and what i would love before i even had a name. before i even had a name.

and so i had this realization. recognition. i dont know whatcha call it. but i was in the shower washing off the day and i realized i have it all compartmentalized. all of it. i have this book for this and that book for that. and so on and so forth. unneccessary complications is what it is. and so im changing that. He deserves it all. not just my wants and needs. but my every thought and every fear. and my life felt so empty. feels still at times. because i cant quite grasp it. it. all of it all. and just like ingrid tells me every so often. all we can do is keep breathing. and today i told Him. i told Him that i love Him more than breath. More than i need anything or anyone.

and today i was afraid.

and my prayers felt shallow.

but they werent. i wasnt. im not. im His. he made me. he made you. and he created all your favorite things and who and what you love love love. before you even had a name.

and so we have sight. she and i. we have something. and with this comes great great great responsibility. and what do we do. we need to do something. we have to do something. and so i had this other realization today. the reason we cant be around those not like us for very long is because we get weighed down. we get held back. we were made for greatness. i love the word great. so many definitions. so many greats and great love is what we do. great hearts is what we have. great minds are what we seek.

and im crazy. ya know that? i sure am. here i am surrounded with sight and vision and veils and silence and body language. and im still talking. yapping. like an annoying little puppy that needs to be fed. new thing for me. not an experiment. because people arent projects. its a thing that ill do because i have no other word to describe it. im gonna listen. just listen and hear whats left unsaid. and see what cant be seen. for that is what is eternal.

and i, i have recently seen (seen not realized or recognized, but seen) that i am an eternal being. you are, he is, she is, we all are. one time i typed this on my facebook profile. its still there. under my about me section. and it says this. this is what it reads. "the world is a very sad place, but i am in charge of making it better, you are, he is, she is, we all are"

and crazily enough i had it all wrong. and so i will rewrite what i once wrote. rethink what i once thought. why would i make this world better when everyday its passing away. everyday we are getting closer to home. home, home, home. where the heart is. where your heart is. where my heart is.

i want to be a pawn in the hands of God, who fights for me. who dies for me. who loves me. that word. love. "the world is a very sad place, but i am in charge of filling people with love anyway. with Gods love that ive felt and accepted. on the outside we're dying. passing away. like a wave on the shore, like a candle in the storm. out before you know it. gone before you even saw it. but on the inside we are living. so dont give up. because on the inside we are so so so so alive. you are, he is, she is, we all are."

song of the day: we are the world by 25 artists all taking a stand for haiti
chapter of the day: ezekial 37
passage of my life thus far: 2 corinthians 4
mission of tomorrow: clean my room