when you lose seasons you cant replace.

ive been in the waiting room for far too long, only to realize that i had never signed in. i dont know what im here for. i know i came because i hurt. i think subconsciously i never signed in for a reason. because i knew i never wanted to go in there. i never wanted my name called. i still dont. but im not waiting anymore. the hum of people murmuring around the room. goes in one ear and out the other. i stopped asking for stories. i quit giving my insight. im just sitting here. watching the hurting pass me by. i feel like the way you feel when two songs are playing at the same time and they dont go together. or that feeling you get when someone is off key. and it hurts. it hurts in a place you never knew you had. i put myself here. in this waiting room. i brought my knees up to my chest and ive been sitting here rocking back and forth for a couple weeks now. waiting. one leg down. im waiting for someone to pick me up i think. i walked here by myself. i dont remember how i did it or when. but ive been here a while. i used to talk to the people here. i used to refill that thing that holds the water. but we ran out of cups. we dont need this place. you dont need this. i dont need it. no one is coming to pick me up. two feet on the ground now. sitting. swaying more so. they will never call my name. i didnt know it when i came in here. so i never wrote it down. the lady beside me just went in. the little boy across from me just walked out. the door is swinging. waving goodbye. what is this place. im standing now. two feet planted on the ground in front of that chair id called home. waiting. for what. a safe place is all that it is. a place to let the seasons pass by outside. i missed the snow. i missed the leaves falling. i missed the ocean calling. i missed the rain dancing on the pavement. i missed it all. i thought i was living. only i wasnt. i was rocking. i was shifting. just because your breathing doesnt mean your alive. arms tensing and untensing now. fingers tingling. standing in the middle of the waiting room. they are looking at me now. i cant read their minds. but i can read their faces and their eyes and their lies. i no longer have something here. we used to be in common. wanting to be fixed. i want that no more. i dont want to fix. i want to try. try. try. try. ahh the word plays across my mind. ahh i feel in in my stomach now. ahh i feel it in my hands and feet. its on my tongue now. "try". there i said it. its out. "try... try.. try. try". arms above my head now, shifting weight from one foot to the other.

"i missed the snow"..... a tear falls.

"i missed the leaves falling"....... another slides down my cheek.

"i missed the ocean calling"...... my eyes are filled with this salty substance.

"i missed the rain dancing on the pavement". i cant hold them back anymore.

i missed you.

but its not too late. because im still breathing. and so the music builds. and he is singing "tears come streaming down your face" and im hearing "when you lose seasons you cant replace" the music keeps building. the strings and the drums and the piano. and the symphony. i wont lose anymore things. anymore seasons. anymore people. i wont wait anymore. im out the door. running. not jogging. or skipping. im running. far away from this place. this place of waiting i created. the walls disappear. i had the power in me all along.

song of the day: fix you by coldplay