kinetic. energy. potentially.

im not very scientific. not in the least. but one time someone was talking about energy. and potential and kinetic and then ya know i realized that this same scientific deal can be applied to relationships. and in my case. all of my relationships. theyve all been potential. that is all. but maybe im okay with that. but that maybe makes me think maybe not. but idk. i dont know. its just that potential is sometimes greater than actuality. and thats what im hanging on to with you. that kinetic energy that we have. the way you look at me. the way i look at you. nothings really there. its all potential. i would like to start over. and re do what we did. which was nothing. but still i wonder. just wonder what we would be like now if we had gone about this differently. oh well. i dont want to start over. we are here for a reason. stuck in this kinetic rut. and let me tell you this. im not making any steps over this potential line. this is where we will stay. unless we take some steps back. i want to. but you have to want to with me. we could talk more. we could be like we were but better. the thing is its not science. its not feeling either. it just is. it is what it is. and there we go. lets take it. and here i am typing into the night. of nothingness and kinetic energy and having potential with you. is this what its come to. yes. i will go to bed now. get a shower. wash off today. and sleep. i like showers at night, because that is what i do. i wash off the day. and what has happened and sleep with no chains. and sleep with angels because that is what my best friend tells me to do. so i will do it. i will sleep. after i wash off the day. and my other best friend she tells me goodnight and i will have a good night. i will. i hope your doing good. what does that even mean anyway. hope. doing. good. you. i. im doing good you hope. i hope your doing good.

song of the day: your birthday song by go radio

i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. okay. i do know. i know so much that it doesnt hurt. just read it with my own eyes. its what i needed. i know. while a good pot of coffee is liberating i cant live on it. i need some water and some vitamins and some vegetables and some medicine. i dont like medicine. what i know is that someone what i need isnt what i thought i wanted. sometimes what i want isnt what i need. i dont need you. i dont want you either. i just like your smell. and the way you talk and walk. i like you. i really do. but. your not what i need. i have this best friend and she is right. you dont see. see see see see. you saw me at the sea. for a minute. but like a wave your sight has come and gone. youll see me again someday. but it will be too late. you'll never know. timing is everything. and we dont set that up. so thank you. for teaching me. and for seeing me. if only for a minute. because you proved that it can be done. even with all my walls and depth that i hide behind.

theres something about the taste of black coffee. the darkness just rolling around on my tongue. today it is comforting. today it warms me up. right down to my soul. i think my dreams mean something. i think they are telling me something i already know but refuse to do. my subconcious is speaking to the side of me that makes all the decisions. the flighty less reliable side. its black coffee today. not drowned out in creamer and sugar like most days. today is a grown up day. a day to make grown up decisions. a day to get things done. to wake up from dreamworld and accomplish something. to get off this computer and finish that list that i never seem to remember where i put. i have big dreams. i have things i want to do. i dont need someone to hold me back. someone would hold me back right? i cant accomplish my goals with some right there beside me. encouraging me all the way. constantly reminding me what im worth. its different when you put it that way isnt it. yes, yes it is. you didnt walk in talking all these big words and telling me all these big things. you just looked. looked right through me. lost your sunglasses in the ocean. lost your mask that could have kept me out. but oh the waves took it away. and left us with nothing but eachother. and oh you saw right through me. right past what no one knew me as. and while we were looking for what you lost, we found something else. we found eachother. you didnt find those sunglasses but you found me. and the sun shined and we didnt mind. and the rain poured but that didnt stop you from coming with me. and you are like this perfect pot of coffee. best pot ive ever made. i had decided to keep you from my mind, but i had a dream and then this stupid pot of coffee. dangerously dark and warms me right to the soul. oh and its fleeting. all these good things. i can almost see the bottom of my mug. and before long it will be gone. just like you and i. are we even allowed to be in the same sentence. just like you. you will be gone. and ill be here drinking coffee drowned in creamer. because very rarely do i ever make it just right. rarely do i ever get things just exactly so. and im okay with that. it makes moments like this that much more accomplished feeling. and so here i am. finding you in cups of coffee and in daytime dreams and occasionally in a song or two or really just every song i listen to. really listen to. and these are your words not mine. this isnt over. and do you really want to know what i think. i think its not over because we havent ended it. one day you will find me in the waves again and ill find you and we will end what we never started. and i will be fine with that. just so long as i get to see you one more time. one last time. but for now. for now for now for now. i will drink this coffee and know that this isnt over.

song of the day: if its the beaches by the avett brothers

unglued

i just dont understand. and i know thats how it is supposed to be. i dont like it today though. today it hurts a little bit. not knowing. not knowing why i go to classes. not knowing why this circle im walking in gets so old. because its not old. its new. everyday its all brand new. i was putting rhinestones on one of my costumes today because it wasnt good enough as is. howcome we cant just take people as is. take life as is. take today as is. we have to fluff it all up and glue on our decorations. and before we know it, as is, doesnt even exist anymore. people arent costumes that we can dress up and change to be the way we want them. we have to take them as is. because sooner or later all the glue comes undone.

passion

passion. ah passion. passing it on. contrary to popular belief it is not that scene in that movie that makes your toes curl up. nor is it that couple. you know the one. the one that cant get enough of eachother. its not passion if its not being passed on. we cant keep it to ourselves. real honest true pure passion is rather catching. i dont look at it and wish i had it. i look at that kind of passion and decide to have it. its not inspirational. or uplifting. or happy. it can be. but lets not limit passion to this. i cant even write about it. cant wrap my head around it. or my heart. just cant grasp its catchingness. yes catchingness. when i feel that i feel it. when you feel it you see it. or do you see it and then feel. or is it yours. it can be. passion is for the bold. for the fearless. for the reckless and free. it cant be faked. it has to be free. we have to be free. no one is holding you captive but your own terrified mind. your trembling heart. passion does not hide. its shouts out at the very mountain tops that many fear to climb. but those many arent you. you climb that mountain. singing all the while. and dancing. dancing. dancing. never just walking. only skipping and jumping and stumbling and dancing. all with passion. if its real. pass it on.

thoughts running crazily through my mind. through my head. through my heart. through my veins. everything is so right. everything is so wrong. so so so wrong. the songs dont hit me like they did yesterday. your songs always hit me hard. always. i want to hear you sing. i want to see your soul. i want to fix you up. i want to fix him up. i want to fix him up. i want to fix me up. i want to. i dont know what to do. i could read. i should read. i wont read. im thinking. im typing. im lost.

"she said always be afraid."

i want real. i want genuine. all the time. dont lie to me. dont please. i found what i was looking for. i found what i wasnt looking for. and im still looking for some things. i guess thats how itll always be. we look and we find. we find half of what we are looking for and the other half is a surprise. something we didnt know we were looking for. sometimes its something we already had. its something i already have. your something i never had. someone ill never have.

"you make it hard to love you, but i just do it even more."

so much to do. so little to actually ever be done. i cross off one thing i add on another. its always something. cant dwell on this list that always haunts me. never have i finished one whole list. never. i get too caught up. caught. i get caught. no one there to catch me. i get caught. theres a difference. and im okay. i have my moments. but im okay. i wont treat you differently. i will always love you. from the inside. from the outside. and you will know that i love you. you will know. ill never let you forget. you. yes you. my friend on the side of the road begging for just a quarter. my friend outside the coffee shop crying from the night before. you. my friend on the sidewalk with your backpack. all alone with your backback. yes you. all of you. more of you. i love you. and i care. i cant fix you. i cant fix me either. but i can love you. that is all i can do, that is all i have to give. oh but im giving it to you. all my love. i love you. i love you. i love you. i mean it. i love you. look at me. stop running. stop looking. start crying. start breaking. start feeling. start letting. stop building. let it go. let me. i love you.

"love, he'll look for me first in any crowded room. love is waiting up ahead. he'll swear i hung the moon. and ill finally know the truth. ill finally know the truth. it wont be you. it wont be you."

dont try to figure me out. dont try to tell me what to do. dont tell me to stop thinking. thinking is what i do best. i talk in circles but i think so well. my mind is always churning. always turning. im always changing my mind. dont call me close minded. im open to new ways new ideas new people. i am firm when i speak because i do think before i speak. i do. and dont act like you dont know that. you know i think. just because im not like you. thats what it is. im not like you. if we dont fill the spaces of waiting then we will always be waiting. dont just fill the spaces but love the inbetween. adore the inbetween. i live in the inbetween. life is not about the finish line. its not even a race. we race in life but its not a race. we dont have winners and losers. we have those who keep pushing. those who keep the faith. those who may stumble and fall but never stop going. always going. always living. not always moving but always going. and then we have those who give up. plain and simple. they just give up. no ones burden is heavier than his neighbors. we all carry something so heavy. and it always hurt. but we have to keep going. in life there are no winners and losers. just those who keep fighting and those who give up.

"i never asked you to try"

"im stronger than this ive been through this before. but whats one more lesson when the stolen moments are worth living for"

song of the day: stolen by julie moffitt

restlessness. peace. we are all so tired.

tired of this pace that is constantly setting itself faster as
each moment goes by.
cant we just play more. laugh more. love more.
oh how simple a day when the worst part if it is nap time.



restlessness. peace.




just breathe.
in---and---out.
lay still for a moment.
take it all in to let it all out.



play more. laugh more. love more.


w e a r e a l l s o t i r e d.





b . r . e . a . k . i . t . d . o . w . n.

in a sense to break something is to change the way it is. forever changed. never to be the same. never back to its original structure. breaking hurts. breaking heals. what is it. the it that is breaking. the thing that needs to be broken. yearning to be different. yearning to be changed. never the same. is it a hand. is it a relationship. is it a home. is it a heart. is it your heart? needing to be broken in order to heal. what is it. maybe is me. does it matter. the direction in which a thing happens to break. or decides to break. yes decides. up or down. up and down. no up or down. it matters. down-lower-breaking with humility. leave the pride. hitting the depths before the rise. learning the lesson. down. leave the anger. feel the hurt. keep it down. then the rise. maybe you just need a mild shaking but i need a magnificent shatter. to hear the chaos as it all comes down. to feel the world in a new horizon. to taste their words with a different season. perspective. can you break it down. maybe you just need a mild shaking but i need a magnificent shatter.

song of the day: sand in your shoes by this providence

this is a new project. distraction. what have you. what have you? what have i? nothing. nothing thing thing things. too many things. too much stuff. dont need it anymore. never really did. thought i did but i dont. no i dont. i dont. dont dont dont. i dont know. i like it that way. this way. that way. which way? i jump. jumped. jumping. from one thing to another. now we are back to too many things. this is oddly freeing. freeness. freefull. freeeeeee. weeeeee. now look we are back to us again. and i havent even introduced myself. i wont. dont worry. i wouldnt make sense anyways. and i havent even introduced myself.

song of the day: damien rice "delicate"