i dont have facebook to get on. not til march 21st. just some crazy idea i had. muscle memory is what it is. just clicking and clacking and typing and tapping. or maybe clogging. whichever you prefer. because thats what it is. its whichever you prefer.

you know i really love long drives and fluffy pillows and best friends and william and joe. but really i really really love singing in the shower and jogs where i end up stopping. and staring. and finding no words to paint the pictures in my heart.

but most of all i love my creator. because He planned for me my favorite things and who and what i would love before i even had a name. before i even had a name.

and so i had this realization. recognition. i dont know whatcha call it. but i was in the shower washing off the day and i realized i have it all compartmentalized. all of it. i have this book for this and that book for that. and so on and so forth. unneccessary complications is what it is. and so im changing that. He deserves it all. not just my wants and needs. but my every thought and every fear. and my life felt so empty. feels still at times. because i cant quite grasp it. it. all of it all. and just like ingrid tells me every so often. all we can do is keep breathing. and today i told Him. i told Him that i love Him more than breath. More than i need anything or anyone.

and today i was afraid.

and my prayers felt shallow.

but they werent. i wasnt. im not. im His. he made me. he made you. and he created all your favorite things and who and what you love love love. before you even had a name.

and so we have sight. she and i. we have something. and with this comes great great great responsibility. and what do we do. we need to do something. we have to do something. and so i had this other realization today. the reason we cant be around those not like us for very long is because we get weighed down. we get held back. we were made for greatness. i love the word great. so many definitions. so many greats and great love is what we do. great hearts is what we have. great minds are what we seek.

and im crazy. ya know that? i sure am. here i am surrounded with sight and vision and veils and silence and body language. and im still talking. yapping. like an annoying little puppy that needs to be fed. new thing for me. not an experiment. because people arent projects. its a thing that ill do because i have no other word to describe it. im gonna listen. just listen and hear whats left unsaid. and see what cant be seen. for that is what is eternal.

and i, i have recently seen (seen not realized or recognized, but seen) that i am an eternal being. you are, he is, she is, we all are. one time i typed this on my facebook profile. its still there. under my about me section. and it says this. this is what it reads. "the world is a very sad place, but i am in charge of making it better, you are, he is, she is, we all are"

and crazily enough i had it all wrong. and so i will rewrite what i once wrote. rethink what i once thought. why would i make this world better when everyday its passing away. everyday we are getting closer to home. home, home, home. where the heart is. where your heart is. where my heart is.

i want to be a pawn in the hands of God, who fights for me. who dies for me. who loves me. that word. love. "the world is a very sad place, but i am in charge of filling people with love anyway. with Gods love that ive felt and accepted. on the outside we're dying. passing away. like a wave on the shore, like a candle in the storm. out before you know it. gone before you even saw it. but on the inside we are living. so dont give up. because on the inside we are so so so so alive. you are, he is, she is, we all are."

song of the day: we are the world by 25 artists all taking a stand for haiti
chapter of the day: ezekial 37
passage of my life thus far: 2 corinthians 4
mission of tomorrow: clean my room

not of this world.

that feeling i get in the pit of my stomach i have come to realize is not the pit of my stomach. it is me. im that feeling. thats me hurting. and this body this flesh that im stuck in it doesnt know what to do when IM hurting. when me the soul that is stuck inside the flesh hurts. thats that feeling. its real pain. pain that causes the heart to beat fast and liquid to fall out of the eyes. its the pain that we cant describe to anyone. not even to ourselves. so deep and so real. so not of this world. thats what it is. not of this world. im not of this world. and thats why i have to come inside this flesh. inside this body to be here. because i am a soul. a soul. solely. i am not of this world. of worldly things. i long for a higher calling. a higher purpose. a higher God is mine. not idols of this world. my body is of this world though. IT desires what I do not desire. IT wants what I do not want. IT is weak but I am strong. IT causes me to slip. but I AM STRONGER. that is my truth. this is my war that is raging. not a war with my neighbors but a war with my body. and I will win. I will defeat this flesh. IT is weak. I AM STRONG.

when you lose seasons you cant replace.

ive been in the waiting room for far too long, only to realize that i had never signed in. i dont know what im here for. i know i came because i hurt. i think subconsciously i never signed in for a reason. because i knew i never wanted to go in there. i never wanted my name called. i still dont. but im not waiting anymore. the hum of people murmuring around the room. goes in one ear and out the other. i stopped asking for stories. i quit giving my insight. im just sitting here. watching the hurting pass me by. i feel like the way you feel when two songs are playing at the same time and they dont go together. or that feeling you get when someone is off key. and it hurts. it hurts in a place you never knew you had. i put myself here. in this waiting room. i brought my knees up to my chest and ive been sitting here rocking back and forth for a couple weeks now. waiting. one leg down. im waiting for someone to pick me up i think. i walked here by myself. i dont remember how i did it or when. but ive been here a while. i used to talk to the people here. i used to refill that thing that holds the water. but we ran out of cups. we dont need this place. you dont need this. i dont need it. no one is coming to pick me up. two feet on the ground now. sitting. swaying more so. they will never call my name. i didnt know it when i came in here. so i never wrote it down. the lady beside me just went in. the little boy across from me just walked out. the door is swinging. waving goodbye. what is this place. im standing now. two feet planted on the ground in front of that chair id called home. waiting. for what. a safe place is all that it is. a place to let the seasons pass by outside. i missed the snow. i missed the leaves falling. i missed the ocean calling. i missed the rain dancing on the pavement. i missed it all. i thought i was living. only i wasnt. i was rocking. i was shifting. just because your breathing doesnt mean your alive. arms tensing and untensing now. fingers tingling. standing in the middle of the waiting room. they are looking at me now. i cant read their minds. but i can read their faces and their eyes and their lies. i no longer have something here. we used to be in common. wanting to be fixed. i want that no more. i dont want to fix. i want to try. try. try. try. ahh the word plays across my mind. ahh i feel in in my stomach now. ahh i feel it in my hands and feet. its on my tongue now. "try". there i said it. its out. "try... try.. try. try". arms above my head now, shifting weight from one foot to the other.

"i missed the snow"..... a tear falls.

"i missed the leaves falling"....... another slides down my cheek.

"i missed the ocean calling"...... my eyes are filled with this salty substance.

"i missed the rain dancing on the pavement". i cant hold them back anymore.

i missed you.

but its not too late. because im still breathing. and so the music builds. and he is singing "tears come streaming down your face" and im hearing "when you lose seasons you cant replace" the music keeps building. the strings and the drums and the piano. and the symphony. i wont lose anymore things. anymore seasons. anymore people. i wont wait anymore. im out the door. running. not jogging. or skipping. im running. far away from this place. this place of waiting i created. the walls disappear. i had the power in me all along.

song of the day: fix you by coldplay

hello old friend. i have been meaning to write you for a while now. life has been kind of crazy lately. but really when is it not. i have this friend. and she told me. she told me "this too shall pass". and she couldnt have been more right. because sooner or later that thing that weighs you down shall pass. but she forgot to mention that something else would come along and take its place. its this neverending cylce of passing to and fro. reoccurring and never to be heard from again. she also failed to inform me that not only will this heaviness on my heart pass so will the happy days. the fleeting moments where i feel so so so so alive. and friends. they come and go. and come and go and go and go. and some come back. and some never leave. but sometimes youre alone. sometimes you eat chinese takeout and listen to pandora all night long. and sometimes you like. sometimes you love. i have had a lot of days in my life. and i can honestly tell you that my favorite days are the ones with chinese takeout. the ones where i sit and talk to myself. the days that i realize my life is exactly that. its mine. i can eat what i want and hear what i want. and see what i want. and i can feel what i want. and what i dont want. and i give you the power to change me. to hurt me. to love me. i give you that. you cant steal a persons heart. only touch their soul. and i can give you my heart to do with what you will. i poured it out. in anger i spilled it on the floor. and you recieved me. and saw this was no performance. this here im showing you is my heart and you felt it. and i was terrified but you just watched me lay it all down. in desperation i searched for the words. words fail me. so i dance. and you may not understand. i dont expect you to. and so i dance. you will not understand. but you will feel, for if only a moment, what im feeling. and you were holding the most precious thing in the world to me thats mine. all the words i never say. all the feelings im afraid to feel. all the stories no one knows. the unspoken. the dance. danced. and so i dance.