and the ones who make it are the ones who feel it most. shania twain said that tonight on american idol. i believe it. i have nothing to say anything. i have nothing to want to write about it. im unfeeling everything. slowly but surely. even you. unfeeling it all almost. im not going to make it. because i cant feel anything but angry. i dont feel the most anything. even angry someones got me beat. im not going to make it. only when i dance. only when i dance. only then do i feel more than angry. more than afraid. more than something i dont want to feel anymore. only when i dance alone. no one has seen and never will see me for what i feel. for what i am. am. am. am. never will.

sight. its something else. but really though. it is. touching. feeling. smelling. hearing. each in a category of its own. but sight gets my focus today. ehh focus. mmm. to see. you didnt see me. in plain view. if you want me to. im afraid ive made it too easy for you. mmmm. i have. you dont see me. never did. and just like with her. im there if you turn around. but you arent turning around. the symbolism. is always there. im sorry that ive been your temporary comfort. this is best for the both of us. before we get to a place that i dont want to be. but you, you dont know life outside of what was. youre living in the past, and baby let me tell you im not in the past. im here. now. but im behind you. and youre gonna have to turn around if you want to see me. you, youre living in the future too. living in the place you wanna be, not seeing where you are, what you are now. and someone is out there looking for me. he is. i know he is. he is looking. looking with his whole heart. and he will find me. because im looking for him. looking in all the wrong places but looking all the same. and everything has led me up to this moment. every decision, every situation. of everyone else too. has pointed me to this moment in time where i see it. see it clearer than i ever saw it before. see the road that is going to be long and hard and hurtful. but its a road and its leading somewhere. im not even gonna say for now this time. because its not for now. its forever. forever you arent mine and im not yours. because he is going to see me. i will not say "here i am". he will say "there you are." there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are there you are. he will say it for everytime ive said "where are you" where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you where are you. and ive seen the signs. and ignored them all. but ive read the books and seen the movies and heard the songs. so it must be true. why would i lie to myself. why. why. why. things are better repeated. stay in youre brain that way. ive been bombarded with the answers. now i know. experience has taught me. and taught me well. i wont say once and for all. but i will say well. my new list. consists of the senses. the real list. ive had rough drafts. you need rought drafts to make the ultimate list. and so here is the new list. im posting this one. it cant be copied or faked. because ill know when its true. yes sir. ill know when you find me. and youll know it too. so if you dont know it, then its not you. its not you. its not you. its not you. its not you. its not you.
the list
see me
listen to me
touch me
taste me
smell me
all on his own. without any hesitation.
in the confidence that everything he has been working towards has brought him to this moment.
the moment we meet
and we wont need any others
not once we have found eachother
and yes, call me crazy
call me a hopeless romantic
call me a fool
call me what you will
but i know
and he knows
im gonna come back in the fall
im gonna be a good student
im gonna go to chile
im gonna speak spanish
im gonna student teach
im gonna sing
im gonna dance
im gonna graduate
im gonna move to chicago
im gonna teach
im gonna live
im gonna breathe
im gonna wait
God will provide
thats why im naming my daughter providence
and my son journey
because God has provided for me in this journey called life
today i wrote on my hands
i wrote "do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"
okay
okay
okay
okay
okay
i wont
i will wait
i will not hide
and you will find me
and Jesus will be teaching me how to love you when you come
and he will be teaching me how to know when ive been found
thank you for not giving up on me. i know its hard in the storms. in the fog. in the battle
i love you.

change

its inevitable. school is coming to a close for the summer. friends are shifting and others are shaping. some are packing up and heading out. never to return again. some will be back. some will become my best friends. some will not. some will fade away. some confuse me. and its funny, not in the way that funny is meant to be but funny. funny in the way thats not right. its funny how people know who they are. which friends im speaking of. but people dont know. i know. because its my blog. and there are times when i dont know. and ill let you know. but today i know. i know that the stars are shifting. and the world is cracking. coming together or coming undone i dont know which. i feel as though its coming together. for if it is the other then it is coming undone for the good of all. for the sakes of us all. farewell so long cause i was wrong i guess. yeah, it wont the first time. farewell. just another ive invested me into. and been disappointed. people disaapoint and theres one thing we'll never learn and thats how not to hurt eachother. because i wont tell you exactly what im thinking and what i want you to do. because that defeats the purpose of just knowing. and just knowing is better. because it means you see me and understand. im beginning to see though that things are changing and shifting and shaping. all for the good. and some are breaking. all for the better. and life. it goes on. these words may have been typed before and read before and heard before but i am not stealing them. because i am feeling and thinking these words. they express me just as well as others who have used them. we are all only borrowing words. words, words, words. they belong to no one and are borrowed by all. and while im on the subject of borrowing, im also running on borrowed time. it is what i do with this time that means something or doesnt. sure i read into everything. thats why im here now. moodle was down and so instead of studying for my test in an hourish i have chosen to blog. i give up quite easily. move on to something different. maybe thats what it is. im giving up too soon. and you know its always little things. like lunch. and it goes both ways. little things like facebook statuses. or twitter. or little things like hellos and goodbyes. the tone in ones voice. the look in ones eyes. the touch of ones hands. its always little things. always. and it goes both ways. and ill always tell myself ill do better next time. sometimes i do. sometimes i dont. this time i will. because we're all running on borrowed time. ee cummings has always been a favorite of mine. right up there beside emily dickinson. well their writings make me feel something. no senseless words. just simply put. and easy to read. maybe its me. but i loved poetry setions in high school. i would read all i could find in the literature books. but ee and emily stood out to me. they didnt forcefully break the mold. they just did. because thats who they were. they didnt try. im no historian but i can sense the humanity and the humility in every piece. they are not my heros though. for i have no hero. only a savior. because i am terribly and utterly wrong. and in desperate need of grace. and times are changing. and days will come when all will know and will see. something. not nothing anymore. if its the little things that get to me and get me then it must be the little things i use to get to others. to get others. little things. like lunch. and it goes both ways. change. why do we change. in order to grow. why do we grow. in order to feel possibly. oh but i feel already. in order to experience perhaps. perhaps. i just want it to be easy. so maybe thats why its rough. maybe. and i dont know wont work anymore. because we do know. and we wonder. are they just fillers. fillers in of the time. until we find. that what or who that makes us happy. she said it but i agree. or maybe not agree but have been pondering since. i was supposed to read michah today. i didnt. i didnt do a lot of things i was supposed to do in life. in the past. things i wanted to do but never did. was afraid for some reason. like that time i wanted to sing a song and i didnt. or that time i wanted to dance and i didnt. or that time that i wanted to cry and i didnt. or that time i wanted to tell you and i didnt. i didnt. i didnt. im sorry. the title of this entry has already changed three times in the course of my writing. hmm. change. maybe it is all about change after all. i mean it is the reason we cry. the reason we smile. because times are changing. yes a change is gonna come and change is coming. the context does it all. to make it happy or sad. all of the above perhaps. perhaps. and now im back to the original title. change. symbolism? always. change. but im afraid.

happy early birthday

hello world. i like music. music is your only competition. look it up. breaking down. im the same thats whats wrong. shoot a monkey im all crazy in the head. ya know. good old war is pretty good. when my best friend introduces them to me. its different from her. dont know why that is. same songs but i hear something different. probably cause it comes from a different place. different place. im gonna be rootless this weekend. on sunday. on that stage. because i wanna be. i wanna dance for free. for free. for the enslaved. for the lost. for the lonely. for those kids who dont know what they have. for shenika. and all the rest. for her. and for him. his life. dedicated to him. because he gave me her. my best friend. he gave her to me. well not gave.. but he's sharing. he's wonderful. he knows how much we need eachother. and as we try to unroot our roots, he'll be right there helping pull them out. always looking out for his sissy. and let me tell you, i feel honored, honored, honored, that he finds me worthy enough to bring us together. i know he and God has a wonderful time bringing us together. our daddys sure are smart. and hes gonna be helping my daddy unroot some things. cause theyre gonna be best friends one day. yep. they are. and theyre gonna take us fishing and take us out for icecream. and probably own a restaurant together. yep. best food on heaven's lane. happy early birthday. thank you for my best friend. thank you for teaching her strength and for teaching her love. youve got a beautiful daughter. i know you are so proud. i know heaven throws the coolest parties ever, ive read about them in Gods love letter he wrote to me. i look forward to the day that i get to hug you. hug you and thank you again and again for the man that you are. since you decided to go ahead of us to the eternal celebration, we would love it if youd save some spots for us right up front, in the mosh pit of glory. i look forward to seeing your sweet dance moves... ive heard all about them! ill be seeing you.

what im living on

maybe
maybe i
maybe i dont
maybe i dont really want
maybe i dont really want you.
maybe you never really wanted me. maybe we'll never know. maybe we shouldnt be playing this game. maybe we are wrong. maybe your mom is wrong. maybe your family is wrong. maybe i shouldnt have said what i did. maybe you shouldnt have looked at me like that. maybe your grades should be better. maybe i could help you. maybe you could help me. maybe i cant save you. maybe no one can. maybe you have to save yourself. maybe im waiting for you. maybe youre weighing me down. maybe i need to just wait. maybe you need to leave. maybe im confused. maybe i need to pray. maybe i need to cry. maybe we need to talk. maybe i shouldnt listen to you sing anymore. maybe i should stop spilling my heart out. maybe this is a mistake. maybe i shouldnt blog about this. maybe i love you. maybe i dont. maybe im crazy. maybe you need me. maybe my job here is done. maybe i could just walk away. maybe i cant. maybe i need to tell you more. maybe i need to tell you less. maybe i need to listen. maybe you need to listen. maybe you need to realize your worth. maybe i need to realize mine. maybe ive known it all along. maybe youve known it to. maybe i dont really want you. maybe i was blind. maybe i still am. maybe you love me. maybe you dont. maybe we are different. maybe we are not meant to be. maybe this isnt what God wants. maybe im ignoring all the signs. maybe you are too. maybe no one has ever made me feel like you do. maybe you drive my crazy. maybe i never want to leave you. maybe its too hard to say goodbye. maybe i dont want to. maybe one day we'll know. maybe we never will. maybe one day we'll meet the right people
maybe one day we'll meet the right people thats what you said
maybe one day we'll meet the right people
maybe one day we'll meet the right people thats what you said
maybe one day we'll meet the right people
maybe one day we'll meet the right people thats what you said
maybe one day we'll meet the right people
maybe one day we'll meet eachother maybe one day we'll meet eachother maybe one day
maybe you shouldnt text me anymore. maybe this isnt working. maybe this is working. maybe this is how its always supposed to go. maybe im afraid. maybe you are too. maybe things could have been differently. maybe we are just friends. maybe we arent. maybe youre just as confused as me. maybe i dont like this. maybe we are going about this all wrong. maybe we arent saying what we need to say. maybe we are wasting our time. maybe we are the same. maybe we should wait. maybe its not me. maybe its you. maybe we are in this together. maybe we are alone. maybe ill never find myself.
maybe ill never find you.
maybe ill never find
maybe ill never
maybe ill
maybe