my best friend watched me dance this weekend. best thing i could have ever asked her for. she asked me what i was hiding. and the thing was is that she already knew. and she brought to the surface the fact that i was hiding something. or someone really. or really feelings for someone. those other someones caused me to write beautiful things but im not gonna be able to dance. to really dance with my everything to my greatest potential until i can face this that ive been hiding. and im running from it to. because i dont know what to do with the way i feel. so im running away and calling him my friend. but thats not good. not good for me or my dancing. like this one person that became the reason for my best friend to dance again. well i dont know that ive ever really danced. not without holding back. she saw it. saw my holding back. saw my fears. sees them. presently. and shes right. im holding back. because its a parallel to my life. this is the hardest and most liberating and most frustrating thing ive ever ever ever done. and some guy back stage he told me that i am some girls twin. some woman that teaches ballet out in berkeley california. except for i forgot her name the minute i walked away. and tried to look her up but one can only get so far on google typing in "berkeley ballet instructor". and so i decided im better off. because im not that girl. im tori. and im holding back. and i can be so much greater. if i just stop hiding. hiding the real meaning of this dance thats had me at second or lower since ive done it. i didnt choose the song, the song chose me. and so im gonna take a whack at deciphering me for a moment. bear with me. me whole two readers.


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i sat here for ten minutes. those dot dot dots represent ten minutes. i cant do it. not right now. maybe later.

lyrics of the day:"world wait forever never, take the time, done break my heart again." world waits jeremy enigk

hate him

ive been struggling quite a lot here lately. im getting really real right now. i started questioning everything and everyone and every every something. and its getting me down down down. and friends are hard to come by. even in dark days. and its true. what the author said. there is one thing we never learn and that is how not to hurt eachother. and how to just ask stupid questions. and to get ridiculous answers. and how to just tell people how we feel. and how people just sometimes do the exact thing you hate them to do. but how to tell them to stop when its really not that huge of a deal. but then again it is. because its coming between you two and they dont even know it. because of fear to tell them. or her or him. or whoever it is. what am i so afraid of? my problems are nothing. really theyre not. ugh

i dont know much of anything right now except for that God is so so so so BIG. and so mighty and so loving and so magnificent. im in love with the breather of the stars. the stars are Gods very breath.

and im distracted. how can the evil one use things like bad manners to make me hate people. little tiny minute details and characteristics of people to draw out tension and anger. i hate him. i hate the evil. that i let it prevail. i hate it. it hurts me so so so so deeply. i can stop him. he can have no power over me. but i need to pray more and love more and see more and fear less and see God more and put it all in his hands. but satan knows just where to hit me. its not in the storms its in the constant bickering and picking of the ones im around the most. its the little insignificant things that stir up an inner anger and hate towards the people i love. i hate him hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate him.

crazy love

you stole that sweet poetry and the words you whispered in my ear were from a song or writer you thought was smooth and you lost you in those words that arent your own and boy you fooled me. yeah you had me, had me at hello and whats your name. and oh your words they taste like honey. and you fooled me. thing is i think you fooled yourself. do you even know you or are you just saving face, those are your words not mine but i think you stole them from a movie. or something. and im ranting. but its all i can do. because you dont care, im not a loss or a casuality. or anything like that. and you had me good and had me all wrong and all right. and lied me into believing that life is like the movies. but its not. and theres no fairytale endings. only life and pain and hurt and gain and love and hate and mistakes and second chances but no more than that. and there is one thing ill hang on to, and this i didnt learn from you and thats crazy love.

and so theres that list

well gary jules just said it. theres no poetry between us. and the poetry between him and i is fake. and the poetry between me and you is all wrong and confusing and i just dont even know. a song says it better sometimes. yes sometimes. and i want you. i do. but i shouldnt. so i wont. and i dont. so there. no poetry. and you see i have this list. but the thing is this list is completely irrelevant if i dont stick to it. because really youre kind of the exception. and nobody knows really. because you think you know who you are but your wrong, its not you, its him. and he doesnt know. and neither do you. so dont flatter yourself because your not the only one. and if you think you are youre wrong. and that was part of the problem you see. because something never felt quite right. i was waiting one and holding on to the other. so maybe its neither. or none. none at all.

and so theres that list.

i wish it were simple and easy. i pick you and you pick me. but its not.
andonedaythetimingwillberight
but today is not that day
maybe tomorrow...

i wish you could atleast let me try something new. someone whos not you. oh you but youve got some kind of hold on me. some kind. but not the kind as if youre holding the world. not that kind. just the you kind of really make me crazy kind. yeah. you do. so stop that.

the way you look at me. and all those other things. stop what you do. stop ...... .. .... ...

short and sweet and to the point. because really theres nothing long or confusing about it. except for that its all wrong. and theres nothing to figure out. there never was. this is hard. what a great realization. this is hard. this is life. this is love. this is it. whatever the heck it is.

love can get you there

its a sad day when you realize youve been lied to. it really hurts. and its even sadder when youve known it all along. and its even sadder when its your little sister. or maybe i should feel good about it. the fact that she lies to me because she knows i wont like what shes doing. that maybe i have taught her right from wrong. or maybe thats innate. maybe she just knows its wrong and it has nothing to do with what ive tried to teach her. but in the end i have failed. failed as a teacher, failed as a sister, failed as a best friend. because there is a root to why she wont tell me. is it because she will feel ashamed? because she feels i wont accept her? have i done so wrong as to not teach her that its never never never her that i am angry at, but at the sin that eats her alive. im so angry at the lies she believes to believe that its okay to make poor choices. I can only pray. because for now she doesnt know i am her best friend. when the whole world leaves her hanging i will be right here loving her. and my older sister too. i love them more than all their friends and boyfriends combined. and i cannot wait for the day they both realize how precious they are to me. but i will wait. and know that that day will come. it will come. the day they can both look me in the eyes. tell me the truth and know i love them no matter what they do. because what they do does not define who they are. and who they are is two beautiful beautiful people. beautiful souls. with so much to give. they are my sisters. and i look forward to the day i get to call them my best friends.

this whole no facebook thing is really really hard. harder than i had anticipated. i mean i always knew how much time i spent on the thing. but wow. too much time. so much wasted time. im not sure what ive learned from this whole experience. but something shall be learned. and once the answer gets whispered in my ear i shall share it with you all. hah all two of you. my only followers.

i went a whole couple days not listening to music. i mean nothing but the commercial music that is on the commercials on tv. well and the frays old cd with how to save a life on it. just back and forth to dance. so okay let me start over. i went a couple days not listening to music that i hadnt grown numb to. yes sorry fray, if youre out there reading this thing, i have grown numb to your how to save a life cd. but anyways i was setting an alarm for the next day and the song everythings right by matt wertz swam into my ears and it wrapped me in warmth. mmm it was good and beautiful. and i dont ever want to go without music that makes me feel that way. it is pretty inspirational. this paragraph had no point.

and the past. it always come back to haunt you. im not who i was yesterday. and im definitely not who i was years ago.

and God does hold all of our tears in jars. and he has them all. every one.

love goes a long way. it goes right to the heart and sometimes the heart is a far away place to get to. but love can get you there.

yes love can get you there.

song of the day: blood bank by bon iver