the things that i cant say. but ill type them til the cows come home

im gonna write right here to you. you know who you are. because i just cant tell you what i see. what ive been seeing. think of them as letters. that are at your fingertips. you may choose to read them. you may choose. and one day ill find the words to tell you just how sorry i am. just how wrong ive been. but im not ready. because neither are you. music. brought me to you. and it brings me back to you. again and again and again.

last night i was brushing my teeth and i was having a conversation with you in my head. and one of us said. " the paths we choose to take arent neccessarily divine but the opportunities are." im not sure if i believe it. but one of us said it. and so we will talk. for real. and something will be said. and im not sure. and that means something. hmmm. interesting. i dont know why im typing here. i got a new blog. ive been typing there mostly. and more than that ive been writing. in my own handwriting. and its been four weeks now. five for you. and well. here we are. im here and youre there and we arent anywhere. sometimes its strange how things play out. and. sad. how they dont. but im here. living on quotes and coffee. and its nice. but im dependent. on them. if not you. and thats wrong and not right. but its therapeutic. but im missing it. the big. you know. i know you know. and they all know. i know it too. and im feeling it anymore. yes that isnt poor grammar on accident. its poor on purpose. my light bulb broke. got broke. broken. now theres no light. that i like. but lifes not like that. or. maybe then again. it is. it always is. like that. we choose our darkness. we choose our lightness. our likeness. in whos likeness. are we living in. we as in us. in the same sentences. yes. are we right. we might be wrong. and the topic may change but the big idea will not. not in these blogs. theres an underscore. undertow. underline. underlying. thing. some. here. and im thinking over the things that you said. and he said. and she said. and He said. says. saying. say. and so here we are. so much to say. and i miss you. whoever that is. whoever you are. i miss you. so much. i hope you like avocados and coffee. and cheese cubes. and kettle corn. and so. maybe. this. is it. the end of the line. but i did learn once and that lines never end. never ever never never never. maybe this isnt a line. i know its not a circle. maybe its a point A to point B kind of thing. maybe. im not sure. but there was definitelyt some curvature. still is. hills and valleys kind of things some. i know you miss something about me. i hope you miss me too. maybe you dont. maybe you do. maybe. there is one thing some i know for sure. and it is this. people. are so beautiful. everyone of them. and no one is just another person. ever. never. no one is just anything. more than that. humanity is beautiful and precious and something to hold on to. to hold eachother up. yes. we need to. we want to. and not trusting eachother. is not trusting the father. i know that. He has it all. He does. i know He does. and so goodbye worries. goodbye fears. though at times they may creep. i pray that these words i speak. are not my own. (speak) thats beautiful. beautifully contained. like a bird in a cage. are the parenthesis your cage. (speech)less. i am sometimes. because of what you say. thats why i nod. and just nod sometimes.

the winds of change

i have forgotten why i even started writing in the first place. and i tend to let people ruin things for me. like songs and movies and whatnot. but thats silly. i mean. i can choose what i like and what i dont. and i shouldnt feel guilty if i liked it first or second or third or last. i shouldnt. nobodys got a claim on any of it. on anything. on anyone. i found some old things today. old things id forgotten about. hmm. i didnt even mean to do that. cirlce around to forgotten things. just because you forget doesnt mean it goes away. its still there. in that box or under that shoe or in that closet or in the cabinet or under your bed. you get the picture. it doesnt go away unless you throw it away. and i dont throw much away. i feel like ill need it one day. ill use it again one day. ill wear it to a crazy costume party... i have never been to crazy costume party. dont know why id start now. but i just needed an excuse to keep that amazingly hideous sequin dress. i loved it once. maybe i still do. idk. but ill never wear it again. its just taking up space. valuable space in my heart, i mean closet. or maybe i dont. idk. and you know what im gonna have to get rid of it soon. ill do it tomorrow. ehh i said that yesterday. tomorrow never comes, so i guess im not getting rid of it anytime soon. i have i dont know how many mismatched socks. socks who lost their partner a loooong time ago. and things. just things. of significance and of no significance. whew thats hard to type. hard to let go of. get rid of. and so i opened up all the doors again. yep. everyone. and looked at my options. and im changing my mind again. i really should never make plans. or tell people anything ab what i "plan" to do. cause i always switch things around. i like where im headed though. i should just follow my instincts from now on. that eerie feeling i get. thats probably a bad feeling and a sign to open up all the doors again. and so i do. eventually. and so i have. and i lose my energy. towards the end of things. the end of a dance. but at the end of a paper or something i write it only gets longer and longer and more fire. the endings are always my favorite. and i can tell my story because i havent been present for the most of it. ive been else where. trying to live someone elses story. trying to make my story through someone elses. inspiration from a book or a movie. its always fictional characters. never real life story copying. bc thats just dumb. we all know a story in a movie or book is way better than life out loud. because its written. and everything looks better on paper. and so. my story started last summer. its like coming in on a character without any detail to the past or how they became who they are. bc you dont know. because they dont know. my story only started last summer. when i decided to present in my own life. it was a long walk i took that day. all by myself. all my byself. in the sand. by the beach. when i decided its my story. its my life. no wonder the others never fit. it was written for them. not for me. and so. maybe thats why i write. to write out my story. hmm. didnt mean to do that either. the beginning and the end in full circle. i write bc it happened. i delete it when its gone. i stopped deleting things last week though. bc it happened. it happens. its too late for the people i already deleted. the things i already deleted. the numbers i got again. but im starting from here. from there. from last summer. these blogs. are only pieces of me. ive got another blog. ive got about three journals. ive got conversations. ive got some more. but this. this here. is part of my story. its in writing. maybe thats why i write. my life seems much more poetic and out of a book or a movie this way. but its not. its just a normal life. with let downs and build ups. and jane said this yesterday. she said in this life all we have is eachother. eachother and God. and we can destroy eachother. destroy. ruin. hurt. break. weigh. kill. destroy. and thats what ive done. thats what ive done. been doing. or we can build eachother up. all we have is eachother, everything else is gonna burn. all we have is eachother. i had forgotten why i even started writing in the first place. i remember now.

recital places

i gotta live where the stars are

winding

so i heard this sound. and it sounded a lot like rain and so i looked outside. twas not raining. twas winding. i couldnt help myself. lasagna in the oven with 20 minutes to go. surely i could take a break. and so i as stepped out on that rickety backporch of ours i saw the chair. adjacent to the flowerpot. adjacent to the pond we never finished. and so i sat. and the wind. it just blew.

blew away everything.

and i liked it

and God smiled on me as the sun came pouring through the clouds.

contentment

today, i quit my job

quitefreeing

yep

idk oh well

some people get anrgy. some people get real angry. some people cry. and cry and cry and cry. some people eat icecream... while they cry. some people work out. some people run. some people dance. some people get drunk. some people write about it. some people break things. some people go hook up with a stranger. some people see a therapist. some people get high. some people talk about it. some people just walk away. i walk away. run away sometimes. and hide. avoiding confrontation. avoiding the pain i feel. the hurt. the guilt. all of it blurred by the volume of the television playing slightly louder than it needs to be. "the commercials are always louder" he says. the hum of the refrigerator. its not working right. and the microwave is broken. along with every heart in this household. it shouldnt be like this. right? it shouldnt. and i want to say that i will make a different home. a better home. one where no one has to walk on egg shells. but i can only control my choices. no mistakes. only choices. and i can choose who i make a home with, so i must choose wisely. and do you know who your friends are? well, do you? just think about it. and nobody ever listens to me. when she was dating those guys. and i knew it. and i felt it. and now her. i knew it. and no one listened to me. why do they not listen to me. better yet, why do they not see what i see. im not special. im no different. they can see it too. if only they would just look. look and see. its in plain view. i do not have special xray vision. its gonna be a long summer. "this year your family will be your highest priority" well it is. it hasnt been until lately. and i hope thats true for them as well as me. cleaning out this house. by myself if i have to. and i will have to. fragments of sentences that dont make any sense. but for the right readers they make all the sense in the world. and certain blogs follow me now. and i wonder... is it okay to write these things. and i reply. yes. yes it is. it is real life and it hurts and its real. and that doesnt make any sense. but yes. it is okay. so i continue. and maybe i feel things too deeply. maybe i do look into too much. so i see what they, what you, do not see. idk. standard answer for everything. but i cant just sleep the day away. because when i wake up its still there. its still here. and im sorry. sorry for not reaching you sooner. but if i had would you have listened? you are proving not so. not so. and no need to worry with things of the past. because they happened yesterday. and im sorry for being rude and for saying it like i see it. im sorry. so be angry with me. because of yesterday. waste your today. go on. waste it. because im sorry. and im trying to be better. and i probably shouldnt write when im in this state of mind. this state of disappointment. this state of arkansas. you have to admit that was kind of funny. but only kind of. atleast i still have my humor. when im saying i need this and this and this, really im saying i need you. but i wont say that. for your sake. but that doesnt change the fact that its true. i do need you. but not like you think. oh well. yes that just about ends everything. oh well and idk. they are cop out answers. im delirious. but really im not. im just tired. and heartbroken. and sad. and semi lonely. but i know im not alone. youre not supposed to grow up like this. no use in asking questions like where did i go wrong and such. no use. no use. and you will never feel my love. because you refuse to feel it. and thats not my fault. i cannot change your perception of me. but i wish you would. and i really need you to reply right now. but youre not. do you know who youre friends are?