winding

so i heard this sound. and it sounded a lot like rain and so i looked outside. twas not raining. twas winding. i couldnt help myself. lasagna in the oven with 20 minutes to go. surely i could take a break. and so i as stepped out on that rickety backporch of ours i saw the chair. adjacent to the flowerpot. adjacent to the pond we never finished. and so i sat. and the wind. it just blew.

blew away everything.

and i liked it

and God smiled on me as the sun came pouring through the clouds.

contentment

today, i quit my job

quitefreeing

yep

idk oh well

some people get anrgy. some people get real angry. some people cry. and cry and cry and cry. some people eat icecream... while they cry. some people work out. some people run. some people dance. some people get drunk. some people write about it. some people break things. some people go hook up with a stranger. some people see a therapist. some people get high. some people talk about it. some people just walk away. i walk away. run away sometimes. and hide. avoiding confrontation. avoiding the pain i feel. the hurt. the guilt. all of it blurred by the volume of the television playing slightly louder than it needs to be. "the commercials are always louder" he says. the hum of the refrigerator. its not working right. and the microwave is broken. along with every heart in this household. it shouldnt be like this. right? it shouldnt. and i want to say that i will make a different home. a better home. one where no one has to walk on egg shells. but i can only control my choices. no mistakes. only choices. and i can choose who i make a home with, so i must choose wisely. and do you know who your friends are? well, do you? just think about it. and nobody ever listens to me. when she was dating those guys. and i knew it. and i felt it. and now her. i knew it. and no one listened to me. why do they not listen to me. better yet, why do they not see what i see. im not special. im no different. they can see it too. if only they would just look. look and see. its in plain view. i do not have special xray vision. its gonna be a long summer. "this year your family will be your highest priority" well it is. it hasnt been until lately. and i hope thats true for them as well as me. cleaning out this house. by myself if i have to. and i will have to. fragments of sentences that dont make any sense. but for the right readers they make all the sense in the world. and certain blogs follow me now. and i wonder... is it okay to write these things. and i reply. yes. yes it is. it is real life and it hurts and its real. and that doesnt make any sense. but yes. it is okay. so i continue. and maybe i feel things too deeply. maybe i do look into too much. so i see what they, what you, do not see. idk. standard answer for everything. but i cant just sleep the day away. because when i wake up its still there. its still here. and im sorry. sorry for not reaching you sooner. but if i had would you have listened? you are proving not so. not so. and no need to worry with things of the past. because they happened yesterday. and im sorry for being rude and for saying it like i see it. im sorry. so be angry with me. because of yesterday. waste your today. go on. waste it. because im sorry. and im trying to be better. and i probably shouldnt write when im in this state of mind. this state of disappointment. this state of arkansas. you have to admit that was kind of funny. but only kind of. atleast i still have my humor. when im saying i need this and this and this, really im saying i need you. but i wont say that. for your sake. but that doesnt change the fact that its true. i do need you. but not like you think. oh well. yes that just about ends everything. oh well and idk. they are cop out answers. im delirious. but really im not. im just tired. and heartbroken. and sad. and semi lonely. but i know im not alone. youre not supposed to grow up like this. no use in asking questions like where did i go wrong and such. no use. no use. and you will never feel my love. because you refuse to feel it. and thats not my fault. i cannot change your perception of me. but i wish you would. and i really need you to reply right now. but youre not. do you know who youre friends are?